You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
