you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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