Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
should my penis look like a turkey
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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