im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
