I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
