So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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