Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
