my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
