I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
