Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
