she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
