I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
