Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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