I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
