I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
