I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
