just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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