So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize