Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
