My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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