I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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