Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
