Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
