just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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