dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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