I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
