a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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