I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize