I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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