I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize