those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
