im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
