i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
