so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just invented taco cereal.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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