i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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