Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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