please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize