can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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