every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
