i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
