Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Ladies don't puke and tell
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
