Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
