can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
