There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
