So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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