Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
