When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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