I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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