So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
