if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
