don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
