I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize