If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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