Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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