we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
