Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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