I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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