Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
