He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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