There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my being single is dangerous.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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