I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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