dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
